The three-time World Series champion also announced the closing of his blog, 38pitches.com, which has recently included “Schill’s” take on the economic stimulus package, American Idol, and the NHL playoffs. The blog—wildly popular in the Schilling household—has often been printed and used as liner for cat litter boxes in the homes of Schilling’s former teammates.“I’ve got nothing left,” Schilling said behind a podium in his driveway, clutching a photo of himself in one hand and a bundle of Kleenex in the other. “When I couldn’t think of an opinion to share on the empty seats at the new Yankee Stadium, I knew the time had come.”
Four reporters showed up, including three from a local high school newspaper. Asked if he was experiencing any physical problems, Schilling immediately put those rumors to rest.
“I recently had my mouth and vocal chords examined. They’re fine. Shit, man, this is really hard.”
News of Schilling’s retirement from yapping spread like wildfire throughout the major leagues. Former teammates lined up to comment on the news.
“He was our horse every fifth day, and our horse’s ass every other day,” said former teammate Darren Daulton, all-star backstop of the 1993 Phillies and current citizen of the planet Vulcan. “The minute he arrived in Philly, our guys wanted the whiny little bitch to stuff a sock in it. Will I miss his opinions? Yeah, like I miss my ex-wives.”
Terry Francona, who managed Schilling in both Philadelphia and Boston, was almost speechless.
“My rock is gone,” Francona said through the Red Sox public relations office. “How will I know if my late-inning moves are correct? I’m gonna need to think about this for a few days. I just need to speak with Schill before saying anything else, okay?”
As reporters began to leave Schilling’s driveway, the former all-star pitcher remained at the podium.
“Where are you guys going? Don’t you want to ask me anything else?”
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