Out of Opinions, Schilling Vows Silence

MEDFIELD, Mass. -- Former major league pitcher Curt Schilling, whose devastating splitter was surpassed only by his capacity for spouting unsolicited opinions, held a press conference this morning to announce that he’s out of things to say.

The three-time World Series champion also announced the closing of his blog, 38pitches.com, which has recently included “Schill’s” take on the economic stimulus package, American Idol, and the NHL playoffs. The blog—wildly popular in the Schilling household—has often been printed and used as liner for cat litter boxes in the homes of Schilling’s former teammates.

“I’ve got nothing left,” Schilling said behind a podium in his driveway, clutching a photo of himself in one hand and a bundle of Kleenex in the other. “When I couldn’t think of an opinion to share on the empty seats at the new Yankee Stadium, I knew the time had come.”

Four reporters showed up, including three from a local high school newspaper. Asked if he was experiencing any physical problems, Schilling immediately put those rumors to rest.

“I recently had my mouth and vocal chords examined. They’re fine. Shit, man, this is really hard.”

News of Schilling’s retirement from yapping spread like wildfire throughout the major leagues. Former teammates lined up to comment on the news.

“He was our horse every fifth day, and our horse’s ass every other day,” said former teammate Darren Daulton, all-star backstop of the 1993 Phillies and current citizen of the planet Vulcan. “The minute he arrived in Philly, our guys wanted the whiny little bitch to stuff a sock in it. Will I miss his opinions? Yeah, like I miss my ex-wives.”

Terry Francona, who managed Schilling in both Philadelphia and Boston, was almost speechless.

“My rock is gone,” Francona said through the Red Sox public relations office. “How will I know if my late-inning moves are correct? I’m gonna need to think about this for a few days. I just need to speak with Schill before saying anything else, okay?”

As reporters began to leave Schilling’s driveway, the former all-star pitcher remained at the podium.

“Where are you guys going? Don’t you want to ask me anything else?”

Woods, Mickelson Seen Dining After Masters

AUGUSTA, Ga. -- In a scene that one Augusta resident described as “astonishing” and another called “simply beautiful,” bitter rivals Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson sent shock waves through the Georgia pines by dining together at a local establishment following the final round of the Masters.

According to eyewitnesses, the two adversaries enjoyed a candlelight dinner and drinks at the French Market Grille, two miles south of the famed Augusta National Golf Club. Woods and Mickelson arrived in the same luxury car hours after falling short in their Sunday rally at the Masters, won by Angel Cabrera.

“It was totally unexpected, almost like a strange dream,” said Jane Ellen Turner, hostess at the Grille. “You'd never know they just lost the Masters. Sweet heavenly Jesus, it was cute.”

In a continued attempt to fuel public perception that their relationship is “frigid,” Woods and Mickelson did not speak during the final round. Despite a brilliant front nine 30 by Mickelson and a solid round by Woods, the pair ultimately finished a few shots off the lead.

But a stressful afternoon at Augusta National led to a relaxing evening at the Grille. Lee Claybourne, head bartender at the century-old establishment, said the caddies for both players called to make reservations under their own names.

“The joke was on us when those guys walked in,” Claybourne says. “We’d been figuring out how to seat Stevie and Bones (the caddies) far apart, because they can’t stand each other. Not only did we get Tiger and Phil, but they wanted to sit together. I knocked back two shots of Johnnie Walker right there in front of my customers.”

According to Claybourne, the rivals each ordered a Cosmopolitan with crystallized ginger and a lime wedge. At one point, Woods left the table to make a cell phone call. Mickelson pretended to look at his Blackberry while he waited alone, as diners began whispering the big news through the restaurant.

The golfers shared a bowl of the delectable gumbo before enjoying the Cajun crawfish etouffee for dinner. To top it off, Mickelson had two slices of pecan praline pie with whipped cream, while Woods settled for a cup of Earl Grey and a mint.

“These guys have fooled everyone,” said Cheryl Dixon, who served the two golfers. “I overheard them laughing about the media’s fascination with their supposed rivalry, and how they can’t wait to go sailing next weekend on Tiger’s yacht. They also mentioned something about ditching Stevie and Bones after a U.S. Open practice round to hit a club in New York.”

Dixon also confirmed that Woods and Mickelson spent the Friday prior to Augusta playing ping-pong at Tiger’s beach house in Florida.

Both golfers declined comment through their agents.